Waifu Watching: What I've Learned from Joining a VTuber's Pack

Losing a friend doesn't just mean losing a beloved companion. It can also mean having to deal with the plain old minutiae of their absence. In my case, the loss of a close friend in the summer of 2020 meant that I not only had to grieve for them, I also had to deal with a void in my social life. Zac was a pillar in my online hangout, always scheduling weekly movie viewings where we could all group together and just make fun of bad films. With that gone, what do you do? Where do you go? I can't list out instructions on that. I'm as far as an expert on handling grief, because in that time I slipped into the VTuber hole.

VTubers are not an entirely new phenomenon. Satire as it might have been, the seeds of the concept were once sown with Max Headroom in the 1980s: a virtual, computer-generated talking head that served as a mouthpiece for brands. Thankfully, modern VTubers aren't nearly as cynical: the idea is that a streamer sock-puppets an avatar on a livestream, where they do... just about anything! There are VTuber singers, dancers, Pokémon card collectors, artists, taxidermists, and, ah... shall we say “adult actresses”. The concept was brought to the attention of Americans courtesy of Kizuna Ai, a “virtual idol” who stormed YouTube where she danced, suffered through bad gacha rolls, parroted cussing from Resident Evil cutscenes, and marveled at her own licensed Figma. She even had her own anime featuring a collection of other Japanese youtubers, VIRTUAL-SAN LOOKING.

American VTubers have existed in some capacity since as early as 2017, although few VTubers from that first wave like MiraPink remain. It wasn't until the summer of 2019 when the concept really took off in America. A lot of people being stuck at home coincided with the debut of Projekt Melody (sic), a VTuber who focused on adult streams. I, for one, noticed the tempest in a teapot but didn't think much of it—losing a friend has that effect on you. But when an artist I follow on Twitter posted an eye-catching character design for someone who later was retweeted by Melody, well, I suddenly found myself with a new summer hobby: watching Silvervale.

Silvervale is a VTuber currently signed under the talent agency Vshojo, which her colleague and friend Projekt Melody helped launch. Although one of Vshojo's founding members in October of 2020, Silver had started streaming as a VTuber much earlier in 2019 as an independent streamer. A self-identified sakura-wolf spirit (formerly an isekai'd anime girl), Silver has made a name for herself on account of three things: an unendingly congenial but humble personality, a boundless love for videogames of all sorts—specifically MMOs, open-world games, and cozy farm sims—and a heartfelt desire to spread her philosophy of kindness, love, and appreciating the little things in life. She's been on panels hosted by actress Felicia Day and InvenGlobal speaking of the merits of VTubing as a career and form of expression, had two albums of her own music out, and—quite importantly—abhors spiders.

It behooves me to acknowledge that what drew me in was her hair. I'm a sucker for pink-on-blue, so sue me.

While Silver would self-effacingly describe herself as “second monitor content”, her streams are beloved by many as cozy getaways. Far from the wild, bombastic personalities of other streamers, Silver eagerly explores virtual worlds and gets distracted by any number of shiny things and marvels at their immersive designs. Her two most beloved streams of 2019 included a playthrough of the PS2 classic Okami, for which she commissioned a matching red-and-white cheongsam fans have dubbed the “Okamivale” look, and a playthrough of the open-world game Subnautica, for which she donned a bunny-girl outfit.

I was never one much for streamers; loud people tire me, forced jokes exhaust me, and the idea of sitting down to watch one game being played day after day makes my teeth clatter. And I wasn't wholly unaware of VTubers, but the appeal eluded me. So it was with some trepidation that I sat down in that mid-July afternoon to watch Silver stream Rare's Sea of Thieves. Knowing that this was a person playing a character, I didn't know what to think—until the stream suddenly ended. PC trouble. Silver's rig had died on her. The next day, Silver was back at it, streaming on her laptop and explaining that she needed a new computer. Fan support was sudden and effusive—and left her in tears. That very same night, Silver could afford the new PC she needed. And I was convinced: this was a woman who loves her community.

As the summer wheeled on, I became a regular in Silver's Discord channel. It was with great trepidation, again; I didn't exactly make a lot of friends on GaiaOnline back in the day, and I've never felt comfortable talking to people about Eat-Man or To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. But Silver's community takes on after Silver, and the crowd there takes the time to make people feel welcome. Mornings see crowds of people take the time to greet each other good-morning. Late nights, people would wish each other well as they sign off. Even when Silver wasn't watching, the goal was mutual: “Keep it cozy, be nice to each other”. As the months went on, we all joined together and watched as Silver played Dungeons and Dragons for the first time with her friends, had her first anniversary stream, made partner with Twitch, joined Vshojo and released her first single. We dominated a server in Final Fantasy XIV as one of the biggest and most-active guilds. All the while, Silver took the time to spend time with her community, make people feel welcome, and inspire people to be their best selves.

I had a new schedule now. One weekend would be Movie Night; fans would vote on a film, and we'd group together in Discord to watch with Silver, where fans would all chat together in voice channels afterwards as Silver grinded for mounts in Final Fantasy XIV. The last weekend of the month would be VRChat meetups, where Silver would brave motion sickness to join us in exploring VRC worlds and playing lasertag. Weekdays, we'd have streams, and we'd react together in chat, where later in the evening Silver would recap and react to our reactions. There was always something to look forward to—and anyone who couldn't stick around would be missed. There would always be room for folks to come back.

You'd be surprised at the kinds of people you'd meet in these kinds of circles. In my time, I've met electricians, veterans, geologists, musicians. There are people who are just old enough to clear the 18-year-old requirement, while there are also people old enough to have watched Max Headroom back when it was new. Literally anyone is welcome. And even if Silver isn't having one-on-ones with folks in the server (being a streamer is a full-time job outside of the hours you spend in front of a camera), she has an effect on people. I've seen people jokingly refer to Silver as a virus who makes you better, and you can see that. Some people are inspired by Silver to move ahead in their lives, pursuing a new job, moving out of their parents' house, taking bold new steps into new places. Some people are inspired to make music, remixing out-of-context statements from Silver into catchy ditties. I myself was inspired enough by the roleplaying of Silver's D&D character Revlis (that's “Silver” spelled backwards, if you can't tell) to write a trio of short stories about her offscreen misadventures—no mean feat, as it had been three years since I had managed to work up the confidence to write anything personal after a traumatic ordeal soured me on my own writing.

Supporting a VTuber isn't unlike supporting an idol; the fanclub usually has a nickname (“Petal Pals”, not just because Silver loves cherry blossoms but also because it's an excuse to say “peepee”). There's a vernacular that comes into use purely based off of how the streamer talks (common turns of phrase include “strim” instead of “stream”; “doots”, after how Silver hums her own intro-theme at the start of streams; and “booba”, because Silver is quite taken with endowments besides her own). There's merchandise, of course; sooner or later you will be drinking Dr Pepper out of a Waifu Tears mug, or you'll be clutching a Melt Pillow while wearing a Pocket Waifu shirt. If you're like me, you'll have any number of Silver's pins or posters. If you're not like me, you'll probably have her stickers plastered all over your PC, truck, corkboard, or computer screen (I cannot bear to ruin the stickers, so I keep them in an envelope). You might even have one of Silver's dakimakura body pillow covers—which I will not confirm to owning but will attest to being a little difficult to budget for. There are quirks you will come to know, love, and get excited for, like the way Silver wiggles her mouth when she's between thoughts or one of her late-night yawns she insists she doesn't do. There are goals everyone gets excited for, such as Silver getting a sponsored stream. There are setbacks everyone bemoans, like when Silver struggles to ensure Skyrim runs even with a fully-optimized build. Everyone waits for the days Silver announces a play-date with her mother, lovingly dubbed “Mamavale” by the community, or a “basket-buddy” stream with fellow Twitch-streamer Robcdee where Rob escorts Silver live and on-camera through Tokyo. Everyone mourns the days real life interferes and Silver is forced to cancel a stream.

The term “parasocial relationship” gets thrown around a lot in this age of streamers, and VTubers are no strangers to that. True, some members of the community can get overly-attached or worrisome in their behavior. While Silver maintains that her community is more like an MMO guild of close friends, it's still possible that people forget that there's a person behind the avatar who has their own life outside of Twitch. I wish I could say there haven't been unfortunate incidents in the community. At most, I can only say I haven't been around to see them first-hand. The community tends to err on the side of caution, more often than not—like I said earlier, “keep it cozy” is the law of the land. This might extend to personal matters, too—but people are always willing to extend a hand in private messages. The same way Silver shows concern for the people around her, her community puts an effort into doing the same for others. Once, while watching another artist stream, the artist noticed, “Oh, [Jean-Karlo], you're from Silver's community, aren't you? That's why you're so nice.”

There's no real “end goal” to being in a VTuber's community, any more than there's an end goal to cheering a sports team. You tune into Twitch, and the cotton-candy-haired wolf girl that likes the synthwave makes your brain produce the Serotonin™. You hang out with other people whose brains are also producing the Serotonin. When the stream ends, you look forward to the next one, unless you don't want to, and have to leave for some reason—and that's fine too. To be frank, I can't say watching a sock-puppeted wolf girl on Twitch and buying pins with her face on them has transformed my life, but being around other people who do the same has made me feel better about myself. I'm still me, and sometimes the bad thoughts get heavy, but I've also had the opportunity to meet great people and share stuff with them. I even hosted a miniature seminar about writing for fellow “Petal Pals” in the discord. It doesn't quite stop me from missing Zac sometimes. But it is nice to have another community where someone shares his desire to give misfits a place to be.

A thing Silver has said often is “I just want people to be happy”. Be it through people being able to watch her streams, people in her community feeling loved, or even through simply being a decent figurehead, there is no end to the kind of work Silver has put into her streaming being something people can look forward to. I guess more than anything else, that's what keeps me tuning in. And being able to spend good times with good people for sure makes me happy, at least.