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REVIEW: Dragonball Evolution

Otaku the world over just love to complain about live-action adaptations of beloved anime series, usually months – if not years – before they come out, determined to hate the final product regardless of what it is. It could be argued that they're not giving some of these projects a fair shake from the get-go; they're hating just to hate, swearing fealty to the original show or manga, convinced Hollywood just can't ever get it right.

Fans decried every scrap of material they could get their hands on, from leaked screencaps to shots of unpainted action figures to the teaster trailers, each time their derisive laughter and scorn growing louder and louder.A tiny handful of people remained cautiously optimistic, praying that 20th Century Fox had managed to distill the essence of the eternally popular, internationally beloved and downright legendary Dragon Ball story into a 90-minute action adventure that, while perhaps not adhering so closely to the exact plot and pacing of the original story, did provide a faithful and entertaining homage that might pave the way for increasingly loyal adaptations down the road.

Here's what happened instead: a bunch of talentless hacks with studio money slapped together a big steaming pile of baffling garbage that fails utterly on every possible level and will please no one at all. The fans were right.

and the rest of the paying audience can drown their sorrow in a bottle of cheap whiskey while lighting their Dragon Ball manga collections on fire in front of the 20th Century Fox offices.

There's also Piccolo's unnamed shapeshifting henchwoman, who sometimes shows up long enough to get punched, show off her terrible wig and lose a fight.

and then it's over. They hint at a sequel

Earth is basically unrecognizable and looks like the first 5 minutes or so of Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, the distant future circa 1992.

Kids aren't dumb enough to fall for this.

Chow Yun-Fat does what he can, but even he stumbles over this stuff; the role requires him to behave like a cartoon character and it just comes across as trying way, way too hard.

Fans who do know what the general story is will be furious at just how unbelievably badly they screwed this entire thing up.

Basically everything.

Awwwww.

I knew this was going to be terrible, but I hoped it would be terrible in a fun way. Apparently it's now terrible in a TERRIBLE way.

I knew it. We were right all along, we had this production sussed months ago.

To all those who demanded that we wait for the trailers before delivering our judgement, and then demanded that we wait until the actual movie when it was discovered how bad the trailers were, well I hope they are wallowing in shame right now. Because I'm shamelessly wallowing in an "I told you so" mood. It's amazing how some people tried so hard to convince themselves that this was going to be in any way shape or form a decent movie.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want it to be bad. But I refuse to go easy just because of the badge. When will Hollywood learn that you cannot take a great series or game, make an awful movie loosely based on it, stick the name on it and expect anyone to see it, let alone like it? After the disappointment of Final Fantasy: Spirits Within, I had hoped that they had learned their lesson. Obviously the inherent greed in Hollywood has still not been expunged.

Anyway, I cannot help feel a sense of dread for the eventual quality of the other live-action adaptations either in production or scheduled to be so. Cowboy Bebop in particular; so many potential pitfalls, so little money around to overcome them. And perhaps once this movie bombs in North America (which if God truly exists will surely happen), there might not be so much enthusiasm to make more adaptations. I don't know whether to be sad or happy, but I would rather have the source material left alone and respected than have it so bastardised.

sample dialogue: “Cheese and rice, my nads got scorched!”

Also, could somebody please translate 'nads' for me? It isn't currently part of my lexicon.